Random Randomness
by gothicgirlbuddy
Summary: Full of hyperosity and randomness guaranteed to have you laughing or your money back. (or you get hit with a gorilla)


A/N: Ok, all of Jen's mates are at Hogwarts, getting hyper and rocking, but Jen's dreams come true when Jack Sparrow is the new DADA teacher . . . (Jen and Jack, Tash and Snape, Mel and Dante, Kat will die soon, cos she's not cool))  
  
Fish In a Cup  
  
Our first day at Hogwarts, we are all sitting at the Slytherin table (Slytherins kick ass) talking about stuff. 'What do you guys have first?' Kat said 'I have Potions, then I have Divination cos I'm just too sexy for anything else,' Tash said wisely. 'No way, I'm soo much sexier than you, you lesbo, but I'm in your class too.'Jen said, slapping Tash over the head with a book. 'Uhh, no way, peachy face, and I am not a lesbian!!' 'Then why do you wear such big knickers?' 'OK, you two are getting off the subject . . . ' Mel said, and did a backward roll in the air. 'I'll see you two later!!! Bye!!!' Kat did a lively guy on Tashie's head, and flew off to Herbology in her hovercraft. 'I'm gonna come with yous, cos if I stay near Kathryn for too long, the big gigantic universe that is Scary Jess' ass, will explode. Or if Scary Jess has to bend over.' Ok copper,' Jenny said, giving the ceiling a very dirty look before leaving. As they walked off laughing like baboons on baboonish drugs, they headed for the Potions class.  
  
'Right, class, as you will undoubtedly know, I am Professor Snape, this is my name. Good morning, minions, I am Severus Snape. Snapes the name, balloons are the game. No one here will know me as Bob, so you shall all refer to me by the name . . Snape. Professor Snape. NO, wait, you may call me Bob . .' 'Sir?' Tashie said, with a tin of pears on her head. 'Yes, minion?' 'May I just tell you how sexy you are?' '. . .Yes you may.' ' . . . you are a sexy bitch, sir.' 'Oh my God . . . 'Mel said, while doing somersaults across the classroom floor. 'Errr...sir?' Jenny said, while lying on a hammock drinking a martini. 'Yes?' 'May I just tell you how great I thought you were in Grease?' 'Stand outside for you insolence, child.' Snape replied. Jenny runs outside the door. 'Don't look at meee. . . .' 'I'd stand outside sir . . .for you.' Tash said, waving stupidly at the teacher. 'That will not be necessary, big knickers, now, will a girl called Stacey Hughes please stand up?' A very ugly spotty girl stood up and walked over towards Snape, and stood in front of him. 'Now, a classic Potions rule, no ugly girls are permitted anywhere near me, so as a punishment, she shall be thrown out of one of the remaining windows and then shall be washed off with owl poo while fighting a sumo wrestler who shall hit her with an umbrella. Will any remaining ugly people please do me the favour of throwing themselves out of the windows? Thank you.' Jenn, Tash and Mel laughed out loud as numerous ugly people such as Stacey Hughes, Nicola Brown, Scott Urie and others threw each other out of the window. The class then consisted of about 5 people. Ah well. Snape rambled on about the wonder that is not Potions, and the gang brightened the dull moments by farting one after the other. 'So, when I say that I wasn't drunk, what I meant to say was-' 'ppphhhttt' Jen farted, and started crying with the hilariousoty of it all. 'Good guess, but alas, I wanted to say-' 'peeuuffttt' Tash farted, smiling sexily at her lover boy. 'Wrong again, I was gonna say-' 'PPPPPPPEEEUUUGGGHHHHUUUUEEFFFTTTTTTT??' Mel farted so loudly her chair had caught fire. Sadly, the bell rang, and the class went to leave. 'Wait, class! You are about to see one of the greatest potions of all time!' Snape threw the contents of a blue bottle onto the fire. The chair, burnt to cinders, died down and became ash. 'Wow, sir, what is that marvellous potion you have?' Jenn said sarcastically. 'Water!!' Snape said dramatically. Everyone stopped smiling and looked at him. 'What?' he said, and everyone drove off in their buggies cos they were too cool for flying.  
  
They all had Divination next, with Mystic Meg woman teaching them. 'Today, class, instead of your usual cleansing the aura, we will read each others fortunes, using tea, a hippo, and a steamroller.' 'We have to be over 21 to drive a steamroller miss,' Kat said knowingly. 'Yeah, but you only have to be 14 to ride a hippo . . . no wait, that came out wrong.' Mel said, looking suspicious. 'No, it didn't cos we know you love to ride hippos on a regular basis, hippo boy,' Tash said, and we all laughed like loons in a loon laughing society. 'Now, now, hush children, I will give you all tea, drink it, pass it to a partner, and they will read your fortunes from the divination books. On you go then, while I go and pray to Satan.' They all drank the stupid tea, and then gave each other different cups. 'Miss?' A boy named Jonathon said. 'Yes, poopie?' 'I think I'm about to explode.' 'In that case, will you kindly stand in the middle of the classroom so everyone can watch?' 'A-Alright.' Everyone watches and shakes their head sympathetically as Jonathon explodes. 'Jen, your cup has a fish in it,' Mel said, taking the fish out of the cup. 'Gimme, gimme, gimme!!' Tash yelled, and ate the fish in one go. 'Yum, I love fish!!!!' 'Mel, that was just plain stupid,' Kat said,' you never give tash a fish, she'll just eat it!' 'Kat, do me a favour and die.' Tash said, throwing a tomato at Jen. 'Yeah, go on doggy, catch the Frisbee!' Mel said, throwing a yellow and purple Frisbee out of the classroom door. 'Ruff, ruff!!!' Kat yelled, running on her hands and legs for the frisbee. Tash just looked at her then a pineapple hit her on the head. 'Oh my god, oh my god, gimme that!!' Mel cried,. 'Eh, how about no, fat man,' Jen said, throwing it accidentally at the teacher. 'OWWWWW!!! Who threw this at me?!' She screamed. 'That would be Tashie, miss,' Mel said, pointing to tash, while juggling apples and a melon. 'And was it you that killed Kathryn?' The teacher said to Tash. 'That would be all of us, sir,' she said smartly. 'All of you will have detention, and for your information, only one of my personalities is a "sir", alright?'  
  
Jamaican pirates  
  
The three peeps went up to the Defence Against the Dark Arts room, where they were having detention. They had to sit and stare at the walls without laughing for the whole lesson. When they walking in, the thing they least expected to find was all over the room . . . 'Oh my god, they have desks in here!!!! Dun dun dunnnnn. . .I'll be quiet. Think, not hyper, think happy place, think bunnies and hee hee hee bunnies. . .' Tash started laughing, and the sexiest teacher in the world came out from under one of the desks. 'Oh my God!' They all said. 'You all must be the scallywags doing detention, am I right?' he said. 'W-Who are you?' 'Captain Jack Sparrow, if you please. Now, if you'll excuse me, I better get back to my ship,' Tash had her mouth open, and Mel was drooling, but Jenny spoke, amazingly. 'Your ship? Let me guess, the Titanic?' Mucho hiliariousity. 'No, missy, the Black Pearl,' he said with a smirk. He turned and left, leaving them all gobsmacked. Smacked in the gob. They all sat down and silently stared at the wall, which was trying to make them laugh by just standing there. However, they could not be tempted to, because the sexiness of the new teacher was just too sexy. Eventually, Tash spoke up. 'You know, he's not as sexy as Snape is,' 'Yeah? Whatever, tash, Sparrow's all miney mine . . .Snape is a butt raping retard.' 'Well, he can rape my butt anytime, retard . . .' Tash sighed faintly, in her own small little world. Then she realised what she had said. Mel and Jen just looked at each other, both with the same freaked out expression. Then, a couple more people came in for detention, including Lucuis Malfoy and Harry Potter, along with a strange guy no one had seen before. Melanie saw him and it was like, love at first sight. 'Gnnnhhh,' she said distractedly. 'Too right, Mel. Eh, what-' Jen started, then looked round at the white haired guy and smirked. 'Oh my god, what are you staring at?' 'T-That white haired dude . . .'Mel managed to mutter. 'What? Lucuis Malfoy?' Tash said laughing, while eating a monkey. 'Heh, Mel, you've got the hots for yourself!' Jen said, while doing a face mask for sexy Sparrow coming back. 'Noooo!!!! The other guy! Jesus! And I am not Lucuis, you big stoner!' Mel said angrily, chucking a rat at Jen while dancing to Steps. 'Heeeeyyy!!! I've just realised! Kathryn died and she didn't leave a will!' Tash said, and stopped painting her toenails abruptly. 'Oh yeah. . . stingy, huh?' Jen said while casually throwing apple pies at Harry Potter. At that precise moment, the white haired boy of Melanie's dreams came over to the gangs table. 'Bonjour, ma petite copain,' Tash said to him friendly, as she started a pigeon throwing contest. 'Errr . . .hi. Who are you guys?' the boy said, whilst ducking to avoid being hit by all the pigeons and pies. 'I'm Jen, more commonly known as Mrs Jack Sparrow though,' Jen winked and continued hitting Harry with random pies. 'I'm Tashie, but I'm also called Perving Tash cos I look at people in the showers . . . just kidding.' She said, suddenly becoming very interested in the floor. 'Oh, I'm Mel. And I didn't know she looked at people in the showers.' Mel said confidently, and smiled at the guy politely, but at that second was hit in the face with a big pigeon pie. Alas, irony got the better of all of them. They were all laughing like a donkey in the desert with a runaway water feature. Anyway . . . 'I'm Dante. Listen, Mel, was it?' Mel nodded, wiping the pie off her nose. 'Well, would you meet me here later on? Ok, bye.' He walked off, his jacket flowing sexily behind him. Mel turned to her friends to talk to them all about her new Dante. 'Oh my god, how sexy is he? Did I look OK? Was I stupid?' She said quickly, while secretly eating a pigeon under the table. 'Mel, you want our opinion? Is that wise?' Tash asked, lighting up her joint while doing the moonwalk. 'You looked like a mosquito before it hits the windshield.' Jen said in a bored voice, while attempting to walk on the windows. 'Oh.' Mel said, and done a triple backflip and five twirls merely out of humiliousity. All of a sudden a lot of pirates walked in the classroom and sat down, drinking rum. 'Hey, you guys, they all look like they're from the Caribbean!' Tash said knowingly, burping on Lucuis' face. 'OH MY GODD!!!! JAMAICIAN PIRATES!!!!' Jen yelled, jumping up and down for a long time until she felt dizzy. 'Erm, yeah . . .anyway, . . . just how sexy am I?' Tash changed the subject, when a very sexy man came back into the classroom . . . 'I hope you've had a good time starin' at the wall,' he said flatly, and sat down on the table next to a pie soaked Harry. 'What happened to you, mate?' 'Oh, nothing! He, err, got a bit hungry and thought it would be funny to, er . chuck some pie at himself, you know . . .' Jen said lamely, standing in front of poor pie Harry. Tash done a backflip to show her thoughts of Harry. Which were quite bad. Jack looked at Jen disbelievingly, and walked away from her strangely. Jen looked at Tash for help, but she was busy doing the cha-cha with Mel so she turned back to the sexy teacher. 'How come you walk strangely, sexy . . .um, I mean sir?' 'It's Captain Jack Sparrow, if you please, and I don't think it's your business, savvy?' Captain Jack replied, while Tash and Mel had managed somehow to persuade pie Harry and Lucuis to join in with the conga line, leaving Jack and Jen the only two sane non-dancers left. 'Oh, ok then Captain, but can I ask you something?' 'Yes?' 'What are all these parrots doing in here?' 'What parrots?' 'Oh, must just be my imagination then . . . ' Jen walked away mysteriously, swatting invisible parrots out of her way. 'Hey, Jen, how's your pirate lover boy?' Tash said, putting on a red helmet. 'Shut up, fringey.' Jen said, joining sadly onto the conga line. 'LALALALALALA, CHOO CHOO CHOO . . .' Mel bellowed, stealing Lucuis' cane as she sang. 'Yeah, whatever, Mel. Hey, let's have a fish party!!' Tash said, shoving her legs down one of her trouser legs. 'Look, I'm a mermaid!!!' 'Cod afternoon to you all,' Jen said, passing around several fish fingers with a blonde wig on. Mel jumped around excitedly and said, 'Hey, guys, guys, I saw a really COD looking guy today. Get it? Cod? Haa haa haa hee hee . . . what?'  
  
'What the hell is going on here!?' A man yelled, wiping pie from the walls (which were still trying to be amusing by the way) 'Who the hell are you?' Mel said, putting an old bowl on her head. 'Yeah, stinky, what do you want?' Tash said, hitting Melanie on the arm with a gorilla. 'I want to know what has been going here! You will all receive detention for this! And in separate classrooms!' he yelled, while Lucuis looked around for his cane. Melanie passed it to Jen sneakily. 'Why man? We didn't do anything, you unsexy womanbeast!' Jen protested, chucking Lucuis' cane at him. 'My cane!' Lucuis dived for his precious cane, and the man looked furiously at the three of them. 'I am the head of this school, Mr Barr. And I refuse to let such destructive little girls ruin this school. What are your names?' Mr Barr said angrily. 'I am . . . Jimbob, sir, and these are my well known friends Fred Flintstone and Matthew Perry.' Jen said, bursting into laughter with her friends. ' Right, you miss, will spend the next week in here serving detention, and you two will receive detention in Professor Snape's dungeons.' he said, pointing to Tash and Mel severely. ' Of course sir, we must obey our leader,' Mr Barr smiled smugly. 'You know, a guy who looks exactly like Rolf Harris.' Tash said, with much hilariousity. 'GET OUT!!!!!!' he screamed, pushing them all out of the room. NOOOOOOOOOOO, *breathes* NOOOOOOOOOOOO,' Tash said, fighting desperately to get back into the room. Not. ^-^  
  
Snape's dungeon  
  
So, Tash and Mel were destined to stay and write in Snape's dungeons, wearing god awful green jackets, for some reason. Snape gave them those quills that write on your hand, and they were sitting writing 'poop' on their hands and laughing. Until they felt the pain. 'Owww . . . my hand . . .' Tash wept, holding her hand dramatically. 'Hey Tash, my hand says 'titty' hee hee, how funny is thi- OWWWW!!!!!!' Mel yelled, throwing a book at her hand. 'Oh my, this punishment sucks . . .' Tash said, spilling some oil on her poor friend's head. 'Oh yeah, because every other punishment we had was dancing with leprechauns and unicorns . . .' Mel replied sarcastically. Snape looked up and eyed them wearily. 'Girls . . . you are to sit and write an apology to the headmaster, not to talk about unicorns, sav- I mean, understand?' he said, shuffling some notes around with a toiletbrush. 'God, he's so sexy . . . something about that big nose of his . . .' Tash whispered, happily eating some sardines. Mel looked at her strangely, and edged away slightly. Mel casually lit the desk on fire to avoid Snape looking at them. 'Holy crap Mel! You are such a . . . genius! He'll never notice us now!!!' Tash squealed, throwing a couple of cats into the fire. 'Yeah, well . . .' Mel said in a depressed voice. No backflips or anything. 'Hey, what's wrong with you, tithead?' Tash asked, taking a photo of Melanie's big nose. 'Well, I was supposed to meet that Dante guy at the Defence against the Dark Arts classroom, but now he'll think I stood him up or something.' She replied, lamely hurling a camel about the room. 'Oh, ok then . . .wheeee!!!!!' Tash said hyperly, spamming Melanie randomly on the head. 'Ow, stop it, I'm not hyper.' Mel said annoyingly. Tash stopped spamming Mel and looked at her. 'What? How dare you not be hyper! Melanie, I am shocked!' she said, and moved to another table, balancing a monkey and a mango on her head. 'Man, this sucks . . . I wonder what Jen's doing . . .' Mel said mysteriously, and gazed off into the cat burning fire. And then Tash hit her with a very large and hard brick. For fun, you know.  
  
Jack's classroom  
  
Back up in the DADA classroom, Jen was sitting alone with that stupid pen that writes in your hand. 'Hee hee, my hand says 'shi-' OWWWW. . .' Jen yelled, chucking the pen on the floor. 'Apple, mate?' Jack- no, wait, Captain Jack said. 'Eh, sir, you don't have any apples,' Jen said, glancing around the room nervously. No random stuff could happen without her friends. Dun dun dunnn!!! 'I know, I just like saying it.' Jack replied, putting his feet up on his desk. 'Uh huh.' 'Keep writing.' 'Oh, right . . .' Jen picked up her pen slowly, and tried not to laugh at those hilarious walls. 'Oww . . . .oww . . .ouch . . .oww. . .oww. . .pain . . .pain . . .oww,' Jen continued, her hand burning. 'If you'd be so kind, write in a normal pen.' Jack said angrily. Jen stood up and got a normal pen, silently giggling at the walls again. 'She sat and thought about the oh-so sexy teacher and herself, and sighed in a daydreamy way. Awwwww . . . what's gonna happen?  
  
Operation board the Black Pearl  
  
'Man, how crap was last night?' Mel said, chewing on some glue for breakfast. 'I know, Captain Sparrow was being all sexy, and it was very . . . you know, sexy.' Jen said, buttering a melon for fun. 'Yeah, well, I heard something about Snape last night,' Tash said with a hyper look in her eyes. 'What?' Mel said, putting a dog in her schoolbag for later. 'That he's so sexy!' Tash replied, eating a cream cheesy cheesy cheesy cake. Mel and Jen groaned out of boredosity. Then they caught sight of the Black Pearl. 'Oh my god, look at that sexy ship!' Mel said, putting on a fake moustache. 'Wow, it's so cool!' Tash said, making another cream cheesy (etc) cake. 'That's . . . Captain Jack's ship,' Jen said lazily, throwing some goats at a radiator. 'Cool, we have to go on that,' Mel said, drawing a beard on Jen. 'Hey, would you stop that! Freak!' Jen said angrily, throwing some oranges at Mel. 'We should get going, we have Home Ecs next, Tash said, putting some extra beavers in Melanie's bag. Just for a joke. 'Er, Tash, we don't have that subject in this school,' Jen said, teasing the invisible parrot on her shoulder.' Heey, don't bite!' 'Right, that means we have . . .something else.' Mel said, squinting her eyes at Jen worriedly. 'Hey, how come she can see parrots and I can't? All I can see are budgies!' Tash said miserably, swatting away those famous imaginary birds. 'All I can see are people!' Mel said, pointing at various unsexy people. 'Yeah, Mel, I think you need to get your brain tested,' Tash said, walking away quickly. 'Wait, I have had a brilliant beyond brilliant idea!!' Jen exclaimed, thrusting some staples up Mel's nosey. 'Well, there is a first for everything.' Tash said, and was spammed savagely by Jen. 'Listen, we could just skip this class and check out that Titanic- I mean, Black Pearl shippy thing.' She said, growling at Tash. 'Yeah, ok. Wait, what are we skipping|?' Tash said, dancing on a dancemat. 'Skipping? What, on a rope?' And Jen laughed like a laugher. 'Erm . . . Potions, I think.' Mel said, playing golf beside Tash. 'A little to the left, Mel . . . well, couldn't we just see Jack's ship? Please?' Jen said, blowing up a balloon. 'What? And miss the snapish sexiness? Uh, no way girlfriend!' Tash said, shoving a book in her mouth. (Tashie's, not Jens) 'Oh, alright, . . . why don't we just go and see if Snape's there, and if he isn't then we can just go and see the ship? I wanna see the ship, poofy!' ' Ok, let's go!' Tash said, and they sailed off into the horizon and were never seen again. Oh no, wrong ending! OMFG!!  
  
'See? Snape isn't there . . .oh my god, Mr Barr is teaching in there! Let's go now!' Jen said, throwing some hard objects at her friends to drag them away. 'Ok, let's go . . .wait, isn't that the guy who talked to you yesterday Mel?' Tash said, pulling Mel back to the window by her nose. 'Oh yeah . . . but that's over.' Mel replied, rubbing her nose savagely. 'Haa . . .Lucuis just wasn't right for you then?' Jen said amusingly, pointing at the cane-obsessed poofter. 'Oh . . I hate you guys.' Mel said, throwing some staples at Tashie's hand. 'Right, come on, let's go!' Jen said quickly, eating an apple to keep her strength up.  
  
As Tash and the rest hid behind the hedges near the Black Pearl, they decided to wear some masks so they wouldn't be recognised. 'Hey look, you guys, I'm Snape!' Mel said, putting on a Snape mask. 'Hey, where did you get that!?' Tash said, putting on a old original Death mask, complete with freaky smile and blood. (^-^) 'I found ittttt.' Mel replied. ' Now, minions, you will obey my every word, and listen when I play with balloons . . ' The gang burst into a lot of hilariousity, with cherries and lots of plants. 'Alright, let's get on the ship!' Jen said hurriedly, shoving on a doggy mask. 'Jen, you know who you look like?' Tash said. 'Who?' 'Kathryn.' Tash said, hitting Mel with a hammer full of bees. They hired a limo over to the ship swiftly, and hopped their way onto the ship. 'Hey cool, there's a sail and everything!' Mel said, chasing a tiger's tail. 'Yeah Mel, that's cos it's a ship,' Jen said sarcastically, patting the tiger on the head. 'What are you minions doing on this ship?' Snape said severely, causing them all to have a nervy spas. 'Ummm, well, we . . .uh . . .we came to . . .uhh . . .' Tash said, her left eye twitching scarily. 


End file.
